Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Why Doesn't Sleep Come As Easily Now? =(
I just came home not too long ago - just about 2 hours earlier than usual. The traffic is so different before 5pm. I can reach home within 15 minutes by cab, unlike the 25-minute ride when I go home after 6pm. Not to mention, of course, less the peak-hour surcharge for the payment.
I thought I was desperate to catch up with my sleep when I got home. Now that I'm really home, I don't feel like sleeping. I think I will just die of exhaustion one of these days. I'm terribly tired, but I can't seem to even take a nap. Is this still considered insomnia? I thought I'm over and done with * and sleep should come very easily - ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M TIRED ANYWAY. But nooooo... it doesn't! CRAPPPP! *growl*
It didn't help even when I switched to listening classical music. I think I was even more awake. =\
Someone should really just knock me unconscious with a baton or something.
jOyZ blogged at 5:17 PM
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Sunday, January 28, 2007
Friday Night's Facial And Fun
Friday's night out with the girls was fun. =)
We went for facial together at where Gina and Joey work albeit at staggered timing because of bad traffic. I stuck to my 730pm appointment though. It wasn't too bad. I haven't had facial for almost a year! So I enjoyed the whole process - especially the massage. I could hear my neck and shoulders crunch! Imagine how tensed the muscles had been all this while. =O I can't wait for my next appointment two weeks later. Yays!
Joce and I both bought the same package. I had also bought a package the day before somewhere else too - my cousin swears by the wonders they do. Hahaha! Well, I'll just have to see whether they can do the same for me. Woots... that means I'll be spending close to 10 per cent of my salary every month on pampering myself. That isn't too bad actually - still within my budget. I'm happy. =)
After that, the five of us went for dinner at Swenson. Apparently Gina had spotted Alan Tern and Zeng Shimei with their friends when we were entering the restaurant but she didn't tell us. We only saw them as they were saying their goodbyes to one another. When I told the girls that Alan Tern was also from the same JC as I was (same year too), Gina said he had actually looked over at our table a few times - no doubt finding me a familiar face. HAHAHA... Here's the explanation: We were in the same class during the first 3 months of JC, after which he went to another class. Oh wells... I don't remember much about the fella - just that he was a nice chap with that sunshine smile which he readily flashed at practically anyone. ;)
We ate, talked, joked and laughed - until the staff at Swenson told us they were closing. It was almost midnight. Everyone was too tired by then to go for drinks so we decided to head for home sweet home.
I've been home almost the entire weekend, except for Saturday morning. Some 4NA pupils wanted to see me for EPC (an acronym I came up with for my English Personal Conferencing with pupils... Hohohoh...). I went through Oral skills with them. Hopefully, they'll make good use of the coming two weeks to practise so that I can work on their other areas of weaknesses when I next see them.
I'm still terribly swamped with marking. It seems neverending. The weather's been pretty good these two days and I feel kinda lousy being stuck at home with my loads of marking. Still, I'm trying to retain the cheerful mood I had since Friday night.
Alrighty, I'd better get back to my work.
Oh, by the way... I really, really love Corrine May's Something About You. Catchy. Breezy. Bright. Smiley. =D
jOyZ blogged at 4:29 PM
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Thursday, January 25, 2007
Very Lousy
Je suis malade.
Après être resté vers le haut tard de chaque nuit, travaillant à la préparation de leçon. Je n'ai pas même commencé sur marquer encore. Sigh.
Je dois aller au docteur bientôt. C'est une telle corvée pour voir le docteur juste pour obtenir ce MC - quand tout que j'ai besoin doit vraiment dormir loin la grippe. Le docteur me dira de se reposer plus aussi.
Je devine que nos patrons juste ne nous font pas confiance des ouvriers. =\
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Alright, that was probably very lousy French.
Anyway, it's just basically saying I'm ill and I have to go to the doctor's soon, along with some other crap. ;p
I went to Kuo Chuan Presbyterian Secondary School with Marilyn yesterday afternoon for the CCA induction seminar. Coincidentally, my brother was there! I'd forgotten he is also the teacher-in-charge for his school's choir. Haha. I was seated a few rows before him. We didn't even know until our dad sent a message to ask us if we were going home for dinner. Hohohoh.
Oh, and I saw an NIE classmate, Tan Ek Ming! Hahahah! I finally remember his name. I saw him when Marilyn and I were eating at the canteen. But I'd forgotten his name at that moment, so I couldn't call out to him. I was quite tempted to shout out, "Mr Tan! Mr Tan!" Hahahahah... but Tan is such a common surname so I held my tongue and watched him walk by. I thought I'd look for him at the staff room once the seminar was over. I didn't have to eventually. On my way to the library, I saw him again! He was walking down the stairs and... haha... I did the rudest thing ever - I pointed at him (because I still couldn't recall his name). He remembered mine. OOPS!
"Eh, Joycelyn," he still sounded as deadpan as EVER, but his surprise (I'd like to think he found it pleasant to see me... hahahah...) given away by his grin. "What are you doing here? Don't tell me you are a NEW teacher." Hahaha... already mocking at me in the first few seconds. (Ahem, by the way, the seminar was for beginning teachers or teachers who've just been given a performing arts CCA to look after.)
Oh man, that fella still looks the same - not an ounce fatter while I've ballooned. He looks as young as ever too. It's soooooo unfair! I think it has a lot to do with the school environment. Kuo Chuan Presbyterian is really nice. =) And with all the biblical verses all over the premises, it's like hearing hearing and/or reading God's words almost everyday. Haha... They've got great facilities too. Marilyn was telling me that EVERY classroom has a computer! The entire school makes one feel very comfortable and at home. It's really cosy. =) Nice school. =)
Ah, I forgot to ask him if he's still childless. He is the kind who says things like, "I'm never going to buy a car because it's just not economical." He's a minimalist - he goes for the simplest things in the most straightforward and practical way.
Ah... seeing him makes me recall the good old days in NIE. There were only 4 of us who were taking the same subject combination. We stuck together most of the time, especially Ek Ming and I. He was like an elder brother I never had. We shared, bitched and joked about many things. I'd completely lost touch with the other guy; can't even remember his name now. I've also lost touch with Ivy even though we continued to meet up for a couple of years into our teaching career. I'd only seen Ek Ming once in AMK with his wife when I was out with my friends. Oh gosh, I think that was like back in 2003 or something. =o
Okayyy. I suddenly had a sneezing fit. I can't blog anymore. I'd better rush to the doctor's.
jOyZ blogged at 9:08 AM
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Tuesday, January 23, 2007
-DUH-
I change my mind. I'm feeling too hungry to sleep, so I will cook myself something simple to eat.
This entry is just so DUH. I have absolutely no idea why I bothered logging in and blogging about this at all.
The only explanation I have is: Mon cerveau fonctionne mal.
>_<
Go figure that out yourself. *pffbtt!*
jOyZ blogged at 6:23 PM
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The Exhausted Brain Rambles
It is really no joke to sleep at 4.30am in the morning, wake up at 6am and then work for the next 10 hours non-stop.
I think I'm too tired to even sleep now. x(
So yes, Aloysius, I'm always tired these days. I'm doing what I can to fulfil my first resolution for 2007 - even if it kills me!!! GAHAHAH!!!
No worries, though. I'm also trying my best to 'play' hard. Others probably won't consider what I do as 'play', but well, it's good enough for me. I shall not elaborate and bore you people to death. Hoho.
So yes (again), I'm supposedly tired now. Don't get me wrong. I really -am- bushed. Brain is totally not functioning where work is concerned. I'm just rambling here. One doesn't need to use the brain very much just to ramble really.
Anyway, I suppose I will concuss after dinner until it's close to midnight and then start working. Talk about adding blubber to my already blubberized waist. Sigh!
Looks like I'll be alone for dinner tonight. My dad isn't cooking!!! =\
I'm SHO totally exhausted to whip up something for dinner later LOR. What the heck. I think I'll just skip dinner and sleep instead.
jOyZ blogged at 5:49 PM
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Thursday, January 18, 2007
Exhaustion To The Max
I'm swamped. I'm exhausted. Choir ended at around 6.15pm today. Thankfully, my dad came to pick me up after buying dinner. Otherwise, I would have had to brave the rain.
Thursdays are the worst for me. My timetable is packed and handling THREE Normal Technical classes in one day is really no joke. Then, right after school, I was looking through some worksheets with the intention of marking them. I must have dozed off because I found myself jerking awake at about 3.20pm.
The reason why I was (still am) so tired was because I only had like an hour of sleep last night - or rather this morning. I was up marking until about 5plus in the morning. Yet I still couldn't finish. It's Round Two tonight. Sigh.
Anyway, I'm just glad it's Friday tomorrow. I'm torn between going home to rest for the evening or going out to chill. There's staff meeting tomorrow too, which means I'll be leaving the school past 6pm AGAIN.
Alright. I can't blog anymore. It's a little past 8pm. I'd better gobble up my dinner and start my marking marathon again. OH GOD... I hear people singing on American Idol... -_-
jOyZ blogged at 7:50 PM
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Saturday, January 13, 2007
Rain (NO, I don't mean the Korean fella)
I must have had a deep slumber because I actually woke up without my handphone alarm going off. It's been a loOOong time since I had such a rested sleep - thanks to the rainy weather. =)
Then again, it hasn't stopped raining since Thursday. It is still drizzling now, but a lot lighter - almost abating. I hope it stops completely soon. I haven't gone out this entire week - other than going to work. =\ Anyway, I will be out tomorrow with Mel and Joce so hopefully the weather will be entirely cleared by then: clear skies, cool breeze and - oh man, I can't believe I actually miss it - the sun!
Okay, this is just a brief entry. I'm off to get myself ready for work. And yes! I get to drive my mom's car today! Maybe that was the real reason why I woke up so early. Hah!
jOyZ blogged at 8:04 AM
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Friday, January 12, 2007
End Of Week 2
Week 2 of school is almost over. 'Almost' because I'm thinking of going to school tomorrow morning to clear some paper work, do some filing and hopefully - if I'm efficient enough - plan my lessons for Week 3.
It's been an exhausting 2nd week. Choir practices alone took up 2 full afternoons (Monday and Thursday) but I enjoyed the time with Marilyn and the kids. Chor Kiat and Paulina came back to help out too. =) I was a bit disappointed that was no news from Hui Shian though. Perhaps she was busy. Nevertheless, I'm quite pleased with the progress the Choir's been making. I really hope we'll get the Silver Award this year.
I actually typed this for my MSN nick: dream the SILVER... smell the SILVER... hold the SILVER... -BE- THE SILVER!!! GO, CHOIR!!! RAH!!!
HEHEHEHEH... I sound demented. %D
Well, other than Choir duties, there were the usual: lesson planning, marking, administrative matters, so on and so forth. With 3 classes of NT pupils to teach, it's no wonder I'm feeling a lot more exhausted everyday after work.
I'm just hoping the 4NA class I'm taking will be a lot more matured this year. Some of them are still very talkative at this point. Still, I've managed to teach a bit on Comprehension skills this week. I hope to accomplish more with them the coming weeks. There's no telling if my application to NTU will be successful. But once successful, I will have to leave them to the new teacher in Term 3. Right now, I'm left with about 13 weeks to complete everything with them. *stressed* Unfortunately, some of them don't seem to have a sense of urgency for English. Despite having been briefed last week, they don't seem to have digested the fact that getting merely a pass at 'N' level doesn't guarantee a pass at the 'O' level next year. SIGH.
GAHHHHH! I'm stressing myself out. >_< I need to relax a little. *takes a deep breath and exhales slowly*
Oh yeah, I just signed up some induction course for Performing Arts CCA with Marilyn. I'll need the car for that day. Hopefully, my mom will let me have the car just for one day. I'll beg her if I have to! x)
jOyZ blogged at 4:59 PM
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Sunday, January 07, 2007
Deep Thoughts (edited)
I was rudely awaken by my mom who was pounding on my bedroom door asking whether I wanted to go out to eat.
What? Where? When?
"Dimsum at Crystal Jade. We leave at 11am."
I looked at the clock. It was only 9.17am. I shuffled back to my bed and collapsed on it. I still had time to sleep.
Unfortunately, I couldn't anymore. I was tossing and turning. Somethings were on my mind... issues with the 2 friends which I didn't manage to resolve before 2006 ended. I'm not sure if they still read my blogs anymore, but anyway these are just my honest thoughts, feelings and opinions.
Recently though, I had a 'good' talk with one of them so it's more or less 'resolved'. Firstly, 'good' because at the point of talk, I think she tried to be honest without sounding too harsh. For that, I'm thankful. Secondly, it was 'resolved' because even though we tried to be as honest as we could to each other, we didn't exactly thrash everything out.
Personally, I was holding back certain other issues and questions. It was mostly because I sensed that she wasn't giving 100% attention to this. That made me feel that it was quite pointless to bring up previous issues now that the friendship was already in this condition. I mean, it was apparent she had something else more important to do. To me, it means she doesn't exactly have the 心 already, so what was the point of bringing up past issues that supposedly wouldn't matter anymore especially when we are not going to keep in touch as often?
Even though we're still friends, it's just impossible to develop a deeper level of friendship which usually takes place when two people have the same frequency. I don't think we have extremely different frequencies simply because we used to be able to click so well together. It was what she said that made me feel this way: "I don't want to be reminded of *."
When I heard that, I was disappointed. Actually, I was angry as well because * wasn't entirely my fault. I mean, when a problem or misunderstanding arises in a friendship (any relationship for that matter) and things get blown out of proportion, I always feel it's the fault of both parties. Both have the responsibility to clear the air. It's just the right thing to do. And if both really wanted this friendship to continue, wouldn't both parties be keen enough to clear the problem or misunderstanding - so that both can say 'sorry' and forgive each other? To forgive is to forget, so the saying goes. Maybe it would be hard to forget, but to be told "I don't want to be reminded of *" was as good as saying goodbye to the friendship. I mean, if you don't see something or someone, you wouldn't be reminded of the bad things that happened, right? So I felt what she really meant was "I don't think we can be friends anymore. I'm just being polite by telling you we're still friends. Actually, even if we are, the friendship is a superficial one simply because every time I see you, I'm reminded of *."
You could say I might have read too much into this. But I have learnt to believe my gut feeling. My gut feeling about this friendship was right all along but I refused to think otherwise because I felt this friendship would be a good one.
Anyway, I guess it all boils down to how I view friendship (and all other kinds of relationships) in general. I always feel that if I can give a 100% or even 200% of myself to a friendship that has been going on for years, I don't see why the other party can't do the same - especially when we were having so much fun together and the intention to be buddies was kind of mutual. But I guess I was too idealistic. I forgot that people will change. I forgot I would change. I've always had great friendships with people whom I think could be my life-long buddies - until recently when I learnt that I can't always have this 'luxury'.
The other friendship at stake isn't very much different from the one I mentioned above - maybe just a little more complicated because other people are involved. Why? Because these 2 people are very similar in terms of personality and character. I guess you could probably call this personality clash when my friendship with the similar kind of people gets worse. When I thought of this, I told myself, it's time to let go. So, I don't even have the desire to clear the air with the other friend now because I feel it's rather pointless.
I must say I've learnt a lot about myself through this. I never had the problem of not being able to forge great friendships with people whom I like and felt that 'yes, a deep friendship with him/her is possible'. I guess with these 2 friends, it's just not possible for me. Even though I'm disappointed, I guess I just have to learn to take things easy. After all, it's not exactly the first time I've lost friends, though prior to this I wouldn't call those friends lost my buddies. So it's a lot harder to accept reality this time round, especially now when I don't have a wide social circle.
Maybe it's because I expect so much from people in general that I have so few (but very close) friends. It makes me wonder if that's one reason I'm still single now. If I have such 'high' expectations of friends, what more when it comes to the person whom I want to live with for the rest of my life?
jOyZ blogged at 9:38 AM
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Saturday, January 06, 2007
First Week Down
It's been a mad house at work despite the short working week due to the New Year celebrations. I've been going home feeling exhausted every day. I wonder why must work be so tiring. =(
I can't complain too much though. It's been not too bad - so far, that is. Hell will probably break loose as the term progresses. I just hope I can cope especially with SYF Central Judging for Choral coming up in April. I'll pray very hard we can get the Silver Award this year! -_-
The school had our annual CCA Open House this morning. I felt quite disappointed on the whole. I shall not say why. But the meeting after that was good - we came up with quite a number of ideas - much thanks to those who cared enough to stay and contribute. =)
Last night, Joce and I met up with Su-Lyn, one of the new friends we got to know on New Year's Eve. We had dinner at Ding Tai Feng at Raffles City and then proceeded to have coffee and tea after that. It was nice to have a new friend to talk to for once. She's sociable but isn't afraid to disagree on something albeit in a diplomatic manner.
Alright, I got to go get ready. I'm meeting Mel at Holland Village. I haven't seen her in... weeks? Miss her loads... =) Too bad Joce has gone for Eason Chan's concert and can't join us.
I'll blog again another day.
jOyZ blogged at 8:56 PM
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Monday, January 01, 2007
Start Of 2007
It's a brand new year and things are looking great for Singapore this year; the economy, for one, is booming! Yipees! And I finally saw the long-awaited huge increase in my bank account yesterday! The salary and bonus were pumped in during the middle of the month, but I was away and had been curbing my spending habits ever since I returned from Taiwan, so didn't withdraw any cash from my bank account and so, I haven't seen the balance - until last night, that is. x)
Of course, I think a fairly huge portion will vanish once I've paid my credit card bills which I'd chalked up in Taiwan. I finally saw how MUCH I'd OVER spent! My shopping bills over there alone were already WELL over S$1000!!! There's still the airfare, hotel room rate and the S$500 cash which I converted into Taiwanese currency. xB
Anyway, another great amount will vanish for my studies. I hope NTU will accept my application. *prays hard* God, I desperately need You to open doors for me! But of course, if it isn't Your will, please open other doors for me. Doors that are even better than the one You close. Amen!
Now that it's the start of another new year, resolutions anyone? I've got three. I just realised I didn't set any for 2006 - except a mental determination that I wanted to pass my driving by December 2006 - and I did! My one and only 'resolution' and I'm glad I did it - by God's grace! I'm really not trying to be pious just because it's the first day of 2007, but He really was The One who made it possible. If there's any one testimony of God's grace and goodness I can share for 2006, it's this.
Days before the driving test date, I prayed for God's intervention because I knew there was NO WAY I could pass on my first try. My brother took the test 3 times and despite being the better driver between the two of us (according to our driving instructor), he didn't manage to pass on his 3rd try. I prayed for everything to work out well on 9th November 2006 - from the condition of the car to the mood of the tester. I didn't pray for a lenient driving tester, but I prayed for one who would be fair in his assessment of my driving. And being super kiasu, I prayed that he would be in a pleasant mood. Haha, I literally prayed for him. The funny thing was, I completely forgot to pray for good weather. ;o
The important day came and it POURED like crazy a couple of times before I had to report to the tester. I remember feeling very worried because I'd only driven like 3 times before in wet weather during my practice sessions with the instructor. Miraculously though, the rain stopped minutes just before my test started. I was really relieved. And because of the wet ground, I drove very carefully throughout the test. Hahaha! Wasn't God humorous? He even answered my prayers: to pass driving on my first try! WOOTS!
I'm really glad that the one and only 'resolution' I had was fulfilled. At least I can look back at 2006 and said that God had helped me achieve something. 2006 wasn't a good year for me. There were a lot of internal struggles within me as well as frustrations where work and friendships were concerned. I'd been in depression for a long time too. Unless people have been reading my blogs, they wouldn't know how emotionally unstable I felt especially in 2006.
I had no support at all. It's tough being churchless and having friends who were too busy to be there for me all the time. (It didn't help when I recalled all the promises of 'I'll be here for you when you need me' from various friends. It made me realise how easy it is to say something to someone and how difficult it is to deliver the words. It also made me realise how unreliable humans can be. But objectively speaking, everyone has his/her own fair share of problems in life, so I had to accept the painful reality.) I don't have a close-knitted family so they don't exactly know what I've been experiencing. Work at school was awful and it didn't help when some of the pupils I taught refused to cooperate and kept delivering empty promises. I simply did what was expected of me as a teacher and tried to help the pupils as far as I could go in my condition then.
It was a very lonely and trying period of time. Yet, even though I felt very far away from God, I knew He was always there for me, especially during the endless and sleepless nights when I broke down again and again. There were no prayers, just deep sobbings... from all the fears, worries, frustrations, struggles and agonies which I found impossible to string into words of prayers. It was as if I'd lost the ability to speak. And when I thought the tears were all gone, there were more to come. I'd never felt so bitter, so angry, so helpless and so frustrated before. It was even worse than the depression I had before 2003.
But God works in mysterious ways. While helping out with Mag's wedding, I was reminded of Proverbs 3: 5-6. It was one of the verses that often spoke to me whenever I was in a difficult situation. It holds a different meaning for me this time especially the words "lean not on your own understanding". I don't understand why I like/dislike certain things; I suppose God has programmed me that way when He created me in my mother's womb. But I think I'm going to face what I think I'd like to do in spite of all the fears that've been growing within me all these years. Whether or not I succeed is not the crux of the matter. I'm sick and tired of worrying about my future (all the 'what if's) that I just need this opportunity to try to do something I think I like. If it goes well, all glory to God and -ah- blessed me! If I don't succeed, I trust God to open a BETTER door for me.
Now that 2007 is here, it's a good time to take that step out of the depression pit. I thought a lot this December and even though there are still certain things which I find very hard to release, I don't really have much of a choice. But I hope to be more positive about this whole thing.
So, my three resolutions for 2007? Here they are in no particular order of preference or importance:
1) Be as professional as I can in my job
2) To expand my social network
3) To lose another 5kg (!!!)
I'd actually lost 3kg the past couple of months, so yes, another 5kg lost will be even better. x) You may ask, why not rephrase it to "be physically fitter" or something like that. Well, I think I'm more interested to improve my appearance than just general health. ;P Haha... Vanity, vanity.
Well, here's wishing all a very happy 2007! CHEERS! *CLINKS*
jOyZ blogged at 11:40 AM
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