= FAVOURITE WORD =
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight.
[NIV]
New phase. More changes.
What would the future bring?
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
The Friendship
Some friendship we have here. "Friendship". More often than not, I half-suspect you wanted it to turn out this way. Maybe you've got more exciting friends now such that it's a bore to hang out with me. Well, I was like that since you first knew me so very long ago.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I even like you as a person now. There have been too many disappointments and too many stinging words. The last time you said something stinging - that was the last straw. Maybe you don't remember what you said. Maybe you don't even realise that I don't want to talk to you anymore because we rarely talk now. I tried holding on to this friendship, but many times I think it's useless because I don't even know what to say to you anymore.
If I were to grade you for oral exams, I'd fail you straight away. I'm tired of doing the talking. I don't even know when the sharing stopped to turn into a monologue, which soon turned into mere questions, and now it has reduced to short, crisp sentences - sometimes monosyllabic even. Did I have a choice? Perhaps I did. Perhaps I should have just allowed the friendship to melt away instead of souring. I didn't need all the years of prickly vibes from you. Don't you dare blame me for the endless questions and sarcasm I used. You asked for it when the fun and sharing stopped. Who do you think I am? The stupid droid in Starwars who tolerates vibes from others by simply chattering nonsense? Sometimes, I don't even know why we still meet up once in a while now. I just don't know what to say to you anymore - and it's definitely not because we have nothing to share/talk/gossip about.
You can forget about all the silly fun we had. You may even forget about all the help I've rendered you. Many a times I wish I could take back all the positive things I've said about you. Perhaps the feeling is mutual. The point is, we've become familiar strangers. I simply don't know what to say to you anymore.
So don't blame me for being cold sometimes. Don't blame me for not responding sometimes. Don't blame me for even ignoring you sometimes. I try not to, but it's very difficult to just forget the years of crap attitude you've shown me. You may say it's an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. If I'd shown the same attitude to you, honestly, it never lasted longer than a year (yes, it was a very bad time). And subsequently, I did my best as a friend - for years. But recently, I've been telling myself, "To heck with what you think, say or feel now. I don't see why I should bother when you've stopped bothering so long ago."
I don't know what to say to you anymore.
Still, despite the present state of the friendship, I'll try my best to keep it. Someone once told me, "It's always good to have a friend instead of enemy." I don't wish for this friendship to turn into something completely opposite because we really have no reason to be enemies. Maybe it's my way of giving you opportunities to be a friend to me again. Not one who treats me like a spare tyre. Not one who doesn't show appreciation. Not a fairweathered friend.
But one who accepts me for who I am and yet criticize me constructively. One who accepts my criticisms instead of just shutting out when I'm really just showing concern. One who allows me to be interested in one's life. One who is genuinely interested in what's going on in my life. One who supports me when I have my moments of weaknesses (whatever they are). One who knows not only how to have fun, but also to be serious when the occasion calls for it. One true friend.
It's a dim hope, but I'll continue hoping anyway (even though I know there will be times I want to stop). I hope to share/talk/gossip like how we used to. I hope the fun comes back soon.
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A note to my students:
I apologise for the above entry, but please understand that I'm only human and I have my fair share of crap to take in life.
Still, I'd like to encourage you to treasure your friends. Really. Especially those who've helped you so much. If you think you've not been much of a friend to your friends, please do something about it.
On the other hand, if you (who have been doing much) feel you have friends who are unworthy of your time, effort and attention, continue your best (this is, of course, of varying degrees for different people because it depends on your present mental and emotional condition) to remain as friends - whatever the state of the friendship is now.
It's a huge struggle. I understand how much friendship means to you at adolescence. (Look how much it means to me even at my age.) Hopefully, we'll become better people in the process.
God bless you.
jOyZ blogged at 1:50 AM
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Sunday, October 22, 2006
The Rain
The rain pours relentlessly, beating against the glass of the window. I push it open and feel cool rainwater pelting on my face as the breeze swirls around me and into my room. Eyes closed, I breathe in. The stink of the haze still hangs in the air despite the cool wind, but it does not seem as bad as before.
I watch the droplets rain from the sky. The trees gladly receive them and then allow them to drip off from the leaves. Somehow they remind me of glass pearls. I watch them fall once more towards the ground, merging with the other falling raindrops in the process, forming little puddles on the pathway. Very soon, the puddles begin to flood the pathway.
In the background, Tanya's music is playing. Song after song, I stand by the window just drinking in the beauty of rain. It is one of the rare moments I can actually enjoy rain. I hear the sound of rain and wind, watching the leaves on the branches of the trees outside my window waving at me as they sway gently. I feel tempted to wave my fingers back at my new, green friends. I raise my arm hesitantly.
Suddenly I hear my parents' laughter from the living room and then I become aware of the TV and the music from my laptop again. Almost at the same time, my handphone beeps. I am tempted to ignore it for a while more.
I sigh and lower my arm.
It is too late. I have come back to reality.
jOyZ blogged at 1:17 PM
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Thursday, October 19, 2006
Happiness Is A Choice - A Gift From God
It is, isn't it? But it's not something easy to do. Those of us who are experiencing some form of pain or another know exactly what I'm talking about.
Sometimes, I envy people who just breeze through life without a hint of depression. Then again, who knows how they really feel behind their cheerful grins and frivolous jokes? I suspect, more often than not, these people are a lot more melancholic than they appear.
Sometimes, I feel some of them (not all) are insensitive in a way. In pursuit of their own joy, they forget to be considerate to the people who are unable to pull themselves out of the depression pits. They continue to joke and laugh, hoping that by doing so, things would appear as normal as possible. I've got some news for such people: not everyone appreciates your humour all the time. Of course, there are some who prefer it. That's how it is with life. You can't please everyone.
So, what's my point? Be alert and sensitive. Use the appropriate 'method' with the right kind of people and at the right time.
Well, that's for the perpetually 'happy' people. For us depressed folks, the longer we allow ourselves to wallow in our own inadequacies, the harder it will be for us to get out of it.
Could it be due to the of the lack of purpose and self-worth in our lives? It might seem we can't have one without the other in order to secure happiness.
However, some of us who seemingly have a lot of self-confidence and self-worth aren't necessarily the happiest ones alive because, perhaps, we don't really have a purpose in life. It is not the same as being easily contented, mind you. People who are easily contented do have a purpose - to be happy with what they have! People without a sense of purpose often feel dissatisfied with life. So where is the happiness?
Similarly, those of us who have a purpose in life (and are driven by it) may not be happy because we could be driven by our own shortcomings such that we want to prove something to the world, and even to ourselves. It becomes a neverending chase - one that will lead to exhaustion. Where, then, is the happiness?
Yet again, consider this: even when one is armed with a sense of purpose and a balanced amount of self-worth, does it necessarily ensure happiness?
I'd once been filled with a sense of purpose and a growing self-worth - thanks to Him. But for some crazy, inexplicable reason, I'd chosen - what I perceived to be - a tougher route, so I don't blame Him at all. Maybe I need to be in the wilderness for a while so that I can learn to appreciate what He has in store for me. There was a lot of turmoil within me. I was yearning for something different. A change. Of what kind, I wasn't even sure myself. Not even today.
This is by no means an evangelical entry. It's just that I've been a Christian all my life I can't imagine worshipping any other. I've tasted His goodness, but just that, at this point, I probably need some difficulties. He's always been there. I just need to make that choice again. But I need to move at my own pace. I need to be convicted - again.
So, I think happiness (Christians call it 'joy') can only come when one is at peace. And that can only come when we face up to reality (whatever it is), instead of shutting it out and hoping it would go away. Sometimes, the difficult situation we're in doesn't just go away overnight. It takes time. Be careful if we recover too quickly. The recovery might be incomplete and if something awful were to happen again, it's even harder for the old wound to heal.
It's alright, really, to search for and build happiness at our own individual pace. Don't be in such a hurry to find it. As long as we've decided to choose to be happy (in the right way), we're on the right track. And of course not forgetting the appropriate kind of support from our friends - the perpetually happy folks.
God bless you! ;)
jOyZ blogged at 7:13 PM
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
A Seemingly Bizarre Entry
The word 'sorry' was overused. Its meaning expired. The message was blatant enough and feelings were obviously bruised for a certain outcome.
Nothing worked anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. Mere words had become prickly. Too prickly for comfort. Let alone the silence.
Silence may be golden. But only in the right context.
So, right. Buzz off. Buzzed off.
jOyZ blogged at 11:45 PM
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Sunday, October 15, 2006
Half-Crazed... Shopper? Surfer? VCD FANATIC!!!
I was blogging about something else when I suddenly felt, "What's the whole point of blogging about it? So what? Nothing I blog will change the situation." Indeed, it's a cynical way of looking at (or even handling) things in general. Well, the mood left me just like that, so I think I'll save that post for another day - if I post about it at all eventually.
I had a terribly lengthy nap - thanks to my surfing habits the last two days. I've been downloading a lot of "things" until the wee hours of the morning. It's probably the best way to fill the void in my life (at this point in time). And probably a cheaper alternative too. Prior to this, I was shopping for shoes and bags with dogged persistence - since I refuse to buy any clothes until I lose at least 5kg. Hahaha...
I'd wanted to give myself the label "a half-crazed shopaholic", but after watching this HK movie (oh yes, did I mention - I bought VCDs again) about the various psychological illnesses many suffer as a result of the hectic pace of life in certain societies, I saw that I was not even close to half of what any of the characters is suffering from!
One of the characters suffers from severe impulsive shopping habits until she exceeds the quota of all her credit cards and practically lives in a warehouse - her studio apartment is filled to the brimmmmm with all kinds of purchases such that she has to struggle her way every morning to the bathroom from her bed. Her illness prevents her from concentrating on her work and she gets fired job after job.
It's a hilarious movie. Haha. I quite enjoyed it actually - didn't have to do much thinking for once. Just roared in mirth. xD
Ah, it'll be Monday soon. Another working day, another working week. That's all for now. No mood to blog anymore. xP
jOyZ blogged at 7:20 PM
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Monday, October 09, 2006
Stupid Ankle!
Yeah, my stupid ankle is acting up again. I think I overexerted myself during driving yesterday - a full 2 hours. Parking was longer than usual because I wasn't sure of vertical parking - did it repeatedly until my legs were so exhausted that I requested the instructor to let me take a breather for couple of minutes. I think the parking practice probably caused my ankle to hurt a lot more than usual. Thinking the pain would go away eventually (as it usually does), I ignored the sore. But when I woke up for work just now, I thought I'd better give it a lot of rest today.
Good thing we have the new car. My dad can bring me to the doctor's. Stupid ankle.
Honestly, contrary to what people like to perceive, I hate going on MC. For me, it's a torture. Why?
1) It's a waste of time travelling all the way and queueing up to see the doctor. Of course, when one is in suffering, there's no other choice but to seek medical help.
2) Yes, and the medical bills. I can do without them. Do you know how much I can save up for my education without these irritating bills?
3) I don't really get to rest when I'm on MC. I still work - until I get knocked out by the medication. And you know what? I think most teachers are like that. We get sick, we take MC to rest at home but end up working ourselves to unending illnesses. Recuperation time is used for work. Committed teachers, you say? I'd say it's really more likely a matter of 'no choice'.
4) My parents' nagging is the worst! They'd say all kinds of things. So, my bosses should actually be glad I have my kind of parents, who prefer to see me working myself to sickness (or death perhaps) rather than resting at home - which they define as wasting time - so that I will be deemed hardworking as a teacher (when in fact, these days, employers go for smart workers). Bah. My foot. It's just complete stupidity to jeopardize my health for work. Who's going to compensate me? Them? My bosses? My students? Bah. Ultimately, I'm the one who suffers.
5) When I return to work, more things will be piled onto my table, which is already looking somewhat like a mini garbage dump minus the stench.
So if you're one of those who regard teachers with uncaring eyes and possess the thought that we take MC because we want to laze around, think again. I get pissed with people who love to assume that their speculations are right and go around spreading gossips. It's downright despicable, utterly unscrupulous and freaking frivolous. PLEASE GO FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO.
Okay, I'm really not directing this at anyone here in case you think I'm talking about you. I'm just extremely, very moody right now. Things aren't exactly going as planned. Because of this stupid ankle, my driving is affected and I can't start my exercise regime to lose weight in time for Mag's wedding. And if I can't pass my driving, I'm going to waste time travelling to and from school when I start my studies next year. Stupid ankle!
It's going to be a bad day (and next couple of days). I can feel it in my bones already. Thanks a lot, stupid ankle!
jOyZ blogged at 7:06 AM
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Sunday, October 08, 2006
A Random One
I'm sick of marking, so I decided to blog an entry.
I went for driving lesson this morning. It was okay, although I was more reckless than usual. Probably because I slept at only 430am this morning. After that I came home for lunch and have been marking ever since. This has been a really boring weekend. xO
I enjoyed Friday evening though. I met Jocelyn at around 6plus and we shopped individually for our own stuffs. Haha. I bought myself a new bag and wallet. I'd wanted to get a new pair of shoes as well, but I didn't fancy those that I saw. We settled at Surf and Turf in Funan Centre, waiting for Abigail as we ordered and chatted. The food wasn't too bad and came in huge portions. I had baked salmon and we shared a bowl of salad and some soft shelled crabs. Abi finally came at around 8pm.
When we left Funan Centre at around 9plus, the haze was really bad. Abi decided to go home while Joce and I roamed around to look for a suitable place to chill out. Eventually, we went to Prego and stayed there for hours, talking. At one point, we were quite unhappy because a group of foreigners came in and sat at the table next to ours. They were so loud that we had to raise our voices to be heard. When their dinner arrived, we finally could relax a little, because they were busy stuffing their faces with food instead of yodalling away. ;p It was a relief to see them leave after that.
We stayed till a little past 1am and came out from the building, only to be greeted by the choking odour of the haze. It got worse during the time we were at Prego.
Speaking of which, I haven't detected the haze since I woke up this morning. Hopefully, the winds will continue to blow the smog away from Singapore. My lungs were crying for fresh air all week. The PSI shot up to as high as 150 yesterday. Hm, I wonder what's the PSI for today.
Oh yes, I'm starting my low-carbohydrate, high-fibre diet today. It's going to be just vegetable soup with some fish or lean meat, whole-meal breads, fruits and/or water for the next 8 weeks. I need to lose 5kg by mid-November! I think I'm going to take some fat-burning pills too and do housework every 2 days since I can't do any form of exercises due to my injured ankle, which will take a few more months to heal, I suspect. Let's hope this time I'll succeed. -_-
Hm, this entry is so random. I'm going to stop here and continue with my marking.
jOyZ blogged at 4:18 PM
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Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Mood: Apathetic
I'm still in school for once. I've been leaving pretty early for the past few days because it's simply impossible to work here. So now I'm kinda regretting my decision to go marking outside with Cheryl and Pei Chin later because I'm feeling so unmotivated to do anything!
*SIGH*
Before anyone of you start condemning me, please remember we're all fellow homo sapiens and we're entitled to having mood swings now and then. Plus, I've been marking intensively and sleeping late because of that. Well, except for the weekend that just went by because I decided to take a break by watching my new set of HK serial, which was bought last month and had been collecting dust for quite a while.
Anyways, I was thinking of taking a quick shower so that I feel fresh enough to continue with my work. But now that I'm seated in front of my laptop, I'm having second thoughts. You see, I'm feeling very drowsy now. In fact, I've been drowsy since invigilation just now - even when I forced myself to stand or walk around, I could feel myself dozing off. xO
*YAWN*
You know what? I think I should just go take my shower now before I drift into slumberland and end up not doing any work.
jOyZ blogged at 4:24 PM
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